Allyship is a deceptively simple concept. Put simply, to practice allyship refers to the actions, behaviors, and practices that we can take to support and advocate alongside others with different backgrounds and identities from our own—especially when it’s one person leveraging their privilege in support of historically underrepresented individuals or groups, such as LGBTQ+ communities.
At its core, allyship requires a fundamental shift from self to service and collaboration. Allyship is a verb, not a noun—meaning that it’s about what you do, not who you are. Despite this, one of the most persistent challenges in allyship is the presence of ego that can undermine even the best of intentions. Understanding how "I" and ego can transform genuine allyship into self-aggrandizing performance is crucial for anyone seeking to support LGBTQ+ communities in both the workplace and personal life.
The Ego-Driven Ally
When we talk about the ego, there are two components at play: One part is our capacity for Self-Reflective Awareness and the ability to justify our actions and concept of self to ourselves and others. The other is the motivating portion of the ego that takes our ability of “self-justification” and blends it with our ability of “self-enhancement”, and even narcissism.
Ego-driven allyship often reveals itself through language and behavior that centers the ally rather than the community being supported. This can manifest in several ways, including:
• The "Showboat” who may post rainbow flags during Pride Month with captions like "I'm such a strong supporter of LGBTQ+ rights!" despite an unwillingness to actually learn about and amplify LGBTQ+ voices or address systemic issues. The focus is on their personal “virtue” rather than the cause.
• The "Paternalist" who, despite identifying as cisgender and heterosexual, dominates conversations about LGBTQ+ issues, explaining systemic and interpersonal discrimination to people who regularly experience them. They often interrupt, over-explain, or even attempt to correct LGBTQ+ individuals on their own lived experiences.
• The "Gold Medalist" who expects recognition and praise for acts of basic human decencyor empathy—using correct pronouns, supporting inclusive policies, or attending Pride events. The Gold Medalist treats allyship as if it were a performance deserving applause rather than ongoing commitment to self-reflection and partnership.
The Sensitive Sense of Self
Even the most well-meaning friends, peers, and family can fall into ego traps without realizing it. The desire for allies to be seen as "one of the good ones" unaffected by systemic prejudices like hetero and cis-normativity can shift our focus from the impact of our actions (or inactions) to obsession with our own image. When individuals spend more energy managing their reputationand feelings of privilege-based guilt than actually listening to LGBTQ+ feedback, ego has entered the allyship equation.
The effects of these ego traps also shows up in defensive responses to constructive criticism. For example, an “ally” might say, "but I've always been supportive!" when called out for problematic behavior or might even threaten (directly or indirectly) to retract their support if their allyship is not sufficiently appreciated. These defensive responses are known as ego defense—when the ego feels threatened, the reflexive response is to go on the offensive (attack or counterattack), irrespective of how valid the received criticism may be.
Practical Steps for Ego-Aware Allyship
Effective LGBTQ+ allyship requires what’s call "decentering"—consciously moving oneself from the center of the narrative. This doesn't mean allies become invisible, but rather, their role shifts from the protagonist of the story to a supporting character in the story of another.Reflecting on the following can help individuals play support rather than hog the spotlight:
• Listen More, Speak Less: True allies amplify LGBTQ+ voices rather than substituting their own. This means sharing posts by LGBTQ+ creators, citing LGBTQ+ experts, and stepping back in conversations where LGBTQ+ people are present and speaking.
• Follow, Don't Lead: Let LGBTQ+ organizations and individuals set the agenda. Support their initiatives rather than creating parallel efforts that might compete for resources or attention.
• Accept Discomfort: Where there’s no discomfort, there’s no growth. When LGBTQ+ individuals provide feedback—even harsh feedback—resist the urge to defend or deflect. Consider how the feedback might improve your allyship.
• Actively Seek Feedback: Don't wait for problems to arise. When appropriate, check in with LGBTQ+ colleagues, friends, or community members about how you can improve your support. However:
• Own Your Education: Take responsibility for your own learning rather than expecting LGBTQ+ people to educate you. Read books, attend workshops, and follow LGBTQ+ educators and activists.
• Support Materially: Symbolic gestures feel good (especially for ourselves), but material challenges require material solutions. Donating to LGBTQ+ organizations (financially or with time and labor), supporting LGBTQ+-owned businesses, and advocating for inclusive policies in your workplace and community are ways beyond words to make a difference.
The Ongoing Journey
Recognizing and mitigating ego in allyship isn't about achieving perfection—it's about committing to ongoing growth and self-reflection. Even the most dedicated allies will occasionally center themselves or let ego creep in. The key is developing the awareness to noticethese moments and having the humility to own them and correct the course.
Effective allyship for any community ultimately requires not the disregard of the self, but the willingness to hold the self lightly. When we can set aside our needs for validation, absolution, and control, we create space for genuine partnership with those with different lived experiences and challenges from our own. In letting go of "I," we become part of something much larger: a movement toward true equity, inclusion, and belonging.
